“Dealing with Grief and the Holiday”

Dear Friend,
We understand this has been a year of change for you. We understand that your life is not what it was a year ago, that someone is missing. Someone you loved.

But we want you to know that you are not alone. You trusted us with the precious last days of someone very precious to you, and we are honored. We haven’t forgotten all you’ve been through.
And while change is part of life, we know it is not always easy.
We are changing seasons now. And the new season may bring new challenges for you. This season’s traditional family celebrations may be different this year.
You will be missing someone.

Sometimes, the traditions that used to bring warmth and happiness to your family may bring some
painful moments now. These feelings are normal, and we promise they will lessen with time. Soon, the painful moments will give way to warm memories and happiness again. Painful reminders of today have a way of growing into memories that will comfort you.

We want to help that healing process begin. Like the pine cone, that must let go in order to be
transformed through soil, water and warm sunshine into a budding tree, so with warm friendship,
helpful advice and some new holiday traditions, we hope to help you celebrate your loved one, and let go of your sadness enough to enjoy many joyful memories of your time together.

As we gather around the miracle of our Tree of Life, we will remember the tiny pine cone, and
the miracle it holds inside. Because of your love for someone you have lost, you too have that
miracle inside you. We will help that gift of love you shared, the time you spent together, and
your memories to grow more strong and beautiful through this season's celebration of life.

Grief and the Holidays

Holidays and special days, such as birthdays and anniversaries, are extremely difficult for those who have experienced the death of a loved one, especially during the first year after the death. At a time when everyone is supposed to be happy and enjoying themselves, the bereaved can feel sad, lonely, and depressed.

The holidays do not necessarily have to be all sad. There are ways to help you cope with your grief during this time. Spending time with family and friends who can comfort and support you will help.

Plan Ahead

Bereaved individuals who seem to experience the most difficulty with the holidays are those who have given little thought to the challenges they will encounter. During the planning, you may experience some emotional pain. As much as it hurts, it is helpful to you. You will find that when the holiday actually arrives, it is likely to be less painful than you anticipated.

Decisions to deal with

• Accept or decline party and dinner invitations?
• What about cooking and baking?
• Should the house be decorated?
• What would be best for the children?
• What would be best for me?

Do not let these decisions make you feel worse.
Choose a few to deal with at a time so as not to overwhelm yourself.

Although there are no simple guidelines that will make it easy to cope with your grief during the holiday season, our hope is that the following suggestions will help make your personal experience with holiday grief more tolerable:

• Talk about your grief. Some people think that not talking about thoughts and feelings of grief will make the pain go away. However, in reality you will help yourself heal by finding people who will listen and help you feel understood.

• Be tolerant of your inability to function at optimum level during the holiday season. Your feelings of loss will probably leave you feeling fatigued and your energy level will naturally slow you down — respect what your body and mind are telling you as you work to lower your expectations of operating at high levels of efficiency.

• Eliminate unnecessary stresses. You will already feel stressed so there is no point in over-extending or over-committing yourself. While you don’t want to isolate yourself, part of keeping your levels of stress in check is to respect your need to have time for yourself. Some people may try to “keep you busy” in an effort to distract you from your grief. Perhaps, you too, will be tempted to keep busy so that you don’t think about the person who has died. Experience suggests that “keeping busy” really only increases stress and serves to postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

• Be with people you find supportive and comforting. Work to identify those people around you that understand that holiday seasons heighten your feelings of loss and allow you to talk about your experience. You don’t need to be around people that want you to be miserable, however, you also don’t need to be around people that want you to maintain a “happy face.” Find those people that encourage and accept you to simply think and feel whatever it is you think and feel.

• Include the person’s name who has died in your conversations during the holiday season. If other peoples sense you are able to talk about the person, it may help them recognize your need to remember the joy of having loved the person who was an important part of your life.

• Do what is right for you during the holidays. Well-meaning friends and family may try to prescribe to you what you should do during the holiday season, or more specifically, on the holiday itself. These people may assume that they know what is best for you. Discuss your plans with a trusted friend who won’t judge the decisions you make about how and with whom you will spend your time. Talking about these decisions out loud often helps clarify what it is you do want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

• Do plan ahead. Decide what family traditions you want to maintain and what new ones you may want to start. Knowing how you will structure your time tends to help you anticipate schedules rather than just letting things happen. During this normally painful time of grief, getting caught off-guard may result in feelings of panic, fear, and anxiety. As you make your plans, you may want to build in structure, yet leave room to change plans if you decide it becomes appropriate to do so.

• Embrace your treasure of memories. Perhaps one of the best legacies that exists after the death of one loved, is memories. Holidays always stimulate us to think of times past. So, instead of ignoring the memories that come to you, share them with understanding family and friends. Memories are often tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, let yourself smile, and if your memories bring sadness, let yourself cry. Memories were made in love — no one can ever take them away from you.

• Renew your resources for living. Spend time thinking about your life as it relates to meaning and purpose. The death of one loved often creates opportunities to take inventory of one’s life as related to past, present, and future. The combination of a holiday and the loss in your life will naturally result in self-questioning related to the meaning and purpose of life.

• Express your faith. You may discover a renewed sense of long held beliefs or the evolution of a new set of beliefs during this time. Again, find people who understand your need to talk about whatever seems important for you to consider. If your faith is important to you, perhaps you will want to attend a special holiday service.

Mercy Hospice
746 Jefferson Avenue
Scranton, PA 18510
570-961-0725